ADDmire: Short Term Journal 2020-2021

 I have so much anger in me right now.   I cannot breathe...My chest is just tight.  My neck and back are tense and they will not let up.  I feel the urge to hurt myself but I have to have these little talks with myself that this is not the way...not the way we do things.  That these feelings are a part of my dark psychology but that the conscious version of me is much stronger than that.  I cried.  I was so angry that I had to walk away from Annika and from Jamie and go and be alone in my studio.  I actually cried!  I am disgusted with myself for this response.  But I was having a panic attack...I was having an OCD response, rubbing and injury on my finger until it opens up again to bleed.  I had to do something.  So I retreated in solitude and cried.  I returned to them after 30 minutes or so...not feeling very much better, but needing to change my attitude forcefully.  We all three sat and watched a Christmas ...

 I have spent a great deal of time and energy analyzing, considering and dreaming about Milestones (past, present and future) as well as Legacies.  Is this odd?  I'm not sure.... The Milestones that matter are the ones that mark important passages in our lives.  Here are some of mine (what I can remember off the top of my head): Graduating High School Entering College Entering workforce after college (first professional job) Moving in with a guy (my kids' father) Having children Having a Spiritual Awakening Changing the direction of my life by ending relationship with kids dad Getting Married! Buying my Home These are some typical items that anyone might have on a Milestones list. Sometimes Milestone occurrences can be very personal and mark dates of importance of events that have a powerful impact on a person, such as the date of the death of an integral loved one.  I have left those Milestones off of my list but that is where our lives are not easily defined t...

WHAT is on the AGENDA today? HEE-HEE Agenda... get it? Ok... so that was not as funny out loud as it was in my head, but it was what came to mind with this photo.  I am happy that schools implemented the use of Agendas and that they also provide them to the students.  I'm not sure how many students actually use them, but there is at least the idea of using them and what it is for. This week has been busy with appointments outside of home and closing the quarter/opening a new quarter.  Annika also returned to work from her recovery post -oral surgery.  She has had minor issues following the surgery so all went very well.  Alex is settling into 2nd quarter nicely.  Of particular interest is the fact that he has initiated more socialization with friends using email, a new texting app and also gaming together now that he has his gaming privileges again.  It's nice to see him socializing, laughing and talking with/doing activities with kids his own age....

  Did you know that 11/11 is Veterans Day? I have always been so fascinated by that.  I am not sure how being a Vet connects to the numerology meaning of 11/11, but I love it anyway!  So Happy 11/11 day! Some of you may know that I am from a GoldStar family.  My brother was KIA in Iraq- U.S Marine.  I was hoping to take Alex to the Cemetery today.  However, I am very stressed about the amount of work that needs to be completed and turned in this week...so I am torn.  Plus Ani is here and needs support while healing from her surgery.  I always find that the best approach is to have a plan. I always have a battle waging over what is expected of us from outside sources (Authority Figures) and what my heart feels...what my spirit wants...what the soul needs .  This is one of those times.  The work needs to be done...but the Vet needs to be acknowledged.  I feel it.  It's been a long time since we went to the cemetery.  We must...

As much work as has been put into catching up and correcting the slow start,  we are still sitting on grades of "F" and "D".  Two teachers verbally confirmed to me that Alex would not fail their class so long as he came to classes and submitted work.  This isn't reflected in Aspen yet so it still looks like a fail.  Science has not put any grades in and two other classes have not put new grades in for over a week.  So I sit here...wondering where he stands.  When I was in the 7th grade, it was nothing like this.  Its'a very different world now in education. Happy Monday everyone.   I am looking at Alex's grades since two classes end this week and we are more than halfway through first semester.  I am also trying to complete my own report card.  How do I measure my own progress? Progress as a mother a wife a worker a mentor How do you measure your giving and your support?  How do you measure up to your own expectations of the pe...

  I really love Fridays.   In the past 10 years, Fridays have meant different things at different points on the timeline.  Ten years ago, when I was dating Jamie and we were not married yet, he used to drive the Tow Truck on Friday nights.   During those Fridays, the kids and I would have what we had dubbed "YouTube Friday", where we took turns choosing  songs/videos and we partied and danced along with it.  Then a few years back, Fridays became the night that the kids would spend with their dad since he found the midweek visit too intrusive (it was a hassle to drive the kids from his house to school on Thursday morning).  So I seceded and we went with the weekly visits on Friday night.  Since Jamie was no longer working those evenings and we were newlyweds, Fridays became our Date Nights. Eventually Annika stopped going to her dad's house on Fridays and Jamie started working at Lowe's every Friday.  For a time, Annika would have Fo...