MILESTONES and LEGACIES

 I have spent a great deal of time and energy analyzing, considering and dreaming about Milestones (past, present and future) as well as Legacies.  Is this odd?  I'm not sure....

The Milestones that matter are the ones that mark important passages in our lives.  Here are some of mine (what I can remember off the top of my head):

• Graduating High School
• Entering College
• Entering workforce after college (first professional job)
• Moving in with a guy (my kids' father)
• Having children
• Having a Spiritual Awakening
• Changing the direction of my life by ending relationship with kids dad
• Getting Married!
• Buying my Home

These are some typical items that anyone might have on a Milestones list.

Sometimes Milestone occurrences can be very personal and mark dates of importance of events that have a powerful impact on a person, such as the date of the death of an integral loved one.  I have left those Milestones off of my list but that is where our lives are not easily defined to others who may meet us, unless they know these secondary milestones and how and why they affect us.

So as you can probably guess, the milestone events as I am calling them, are highly influential and they cause a change of events most of the time.  This is why hitting these important guideposts for growing infants and toddlers is so key.  The measuring stick is used to track progress.  I like the philosophy AND the science.

Speaking of Milestones and how they affect us, my daughter has dropped out of college in her first semester.  She has explained to us that she dislikes the monotony of schooling online.  She was denied the Senior Year final activity things that most kids get at that time in their lives, and then starting college the same way she ended high school, on a laptop attending virtual classes and feeling that the teachers were dismissive, did not appeal to her.  Since she was paying to be taught, she decided to leave school for now.

I was VERY disappointed by her decision, but had no choice in accepting it.  She called an audible...the game plan was altered by the Pandemic and there was no way around that fact.  Annika began to invest more of her time into Acting, pursuing Acting gigs and into her job at a local bakery, where she was given a lead role and a raise after only a few months of working there.

Working- just like schooling- is hard and teaches us MANY things, particularly things about ourselves.  Work and responsibility in life can offer a young person a good vantage point from which to make appropriate future plans...plans that involve education and growth. As a parent, household member and role model, I feel the pressure once again, to guide her through this path.

Yesterday, while discussing her decision to leave school, I began to ask probing questions which clearly she felt agitated and challenged by.  After discussing that conversation with my husband later that evening as we shopped for our Thanksgiving Turkey, he helped me to understand even more why it is important that we never stop offering young people guidance and trusted, experienced advice.  At the time of my conversation with him, I had just finished telling Annika that I felt like I had poured myself out and felt depleted by the entire college application process and the Financial Aid process...and then finally with her dropping out process!  I had been the one...ME...doing ALL of the work.  I am not exaggerating, although she will see it and tell it differently.  I pushed her, urged her, carried her, covered up her inequities, buffered her, stayed HOURS listening to her...HOURS and DAYS and Weeks have dragged out pondering Annika's future!

I sometimes feel she is completely ungrateful for ANY of it...and I must let it go.  I HAVE to let it go.  

I don't want to make everything about Annika in this article...but she is probably the Lesson I had to learn on this topic of "Giving my Light" to others and not to myself.  I poured so much of myself out for her goals and the entire time, she didn't actually care about the education she might get in college- she only wanted the experience of independence that college offers.  NOW that I understand her needs and desires more clearly and accurately, I can help her with her next milestone even better!

Alex is finally achieving positive growth in school for the first time I want to say, EVER.  He requires A LOT of one-on-one attention in order to thrive in spite of his natural tendencies.  This has required sacrifice on my end and I am making adjustments so that this pattern may continue.  At some point, I may see him grab his independence and be confident without me right there.  But I suspect we are maybe a few YEARS from that!  YEARS.  

On one hand, I feel upset that my "life" is being altered to manage the needs of BOTH of my very needy children.  On the other hand, I feel invigorated for being needed, called upon- valued!  Compared to the work I have been doing to earn money to support the family, I MUCH prefer being here to physically organize them, support them and structure their daily lives to ensure success for them and subsequently for all of us.

My next milestone will be a career change.  No Doubt in my mind.  It is definitely that.

How do you choose your milestones?  Well, sometimes you don't choose them and they instead, choose you- altering you forever.

But I feel that the most impact comes when we recognize in our own lives, a need for growth and change and we grab it.

When we effectively achieve Milestones and reach the end of our lives, or even the pinnacle while still alive, we can accurately determine our Legacy.  A Legacy is essentially the resume of your life- the Portfolio of you.  What did you achieve and what did you leave?

Many people are aware that creating a Legacy is a thing to strive for...but not all people actively strive to create one.  In my family, I can only think of two people who left a legacy upon their deaths and that was my brother and my grandfather, both named John VanGyzen (4th and 2nd respectively).  My brother's Legacy was as a local war hero with 2 Purple,Hearts who was killed in Action in Iraq.  He left a beautiful daughter and many grateful loved ones who were proud of his service to our country.  My grandfather- this may seem odd, but he left my family a home.  It was fully paid for, extra land and all.  He left money for his widow and his dependent daughter.  To me this is equally as heroic as dying for your country.  

When my father passed away, there was a legacy of LOSS...pain...suffering in the hearts of people who never felt his love or were kept at a distance from a man that they wanted to love. It was more of a sad saga than a legacy.  It could have gone very differently...but it didn't.  Similarly, my husband had lost his mother back before I met him and it was a messy Legacy, but there was a Legacy.  I try very hard to help bring it to the surface because she was truly an AMAZING human!

Jamie's mother- we refer to her as Gramma Karla, was a Nurse and a Pilot.  Amazing right?  I did a bit of research after Annika enrolled at Rhode Island College, and I discovered that Karla Carroll's Nursing Scholarship was still actively awarding $1000 per year to a Nursing student.  I cried when I read about the scholarship...a LEGACY created for Karla by her mother who was also now deceased.  But the Legacy continues.  I have started bringing Alex to Gramma Karla's grave site.  He sometimes asks if he can go...which I appreciate. We bring the scrub brush and clean it, and we are planning to build a small brick garden around it to plant flowers beginning next year on her birthday.  That way, instead of a pot that blows away, she can help grow a little flower or plant that will remain bloomed until it passes naturally...the way we would all want it to be.

Karla, like my own brother, did not get to "Pass naturally" and that is tragic.  But we can make it into a thing of beauty by remembering them and honoring them by sharing their story. That is where "traditions" come in...in keeping up the growth required to achieve the Legacy, one must maintain regular actions and we would refer to these as Traditions.

I am VERY guilty of not at all caring about traditions.  In fact, I have hated and despised them for as long as I can remember.  But through the eyes of my own children and husband, I see the value and function of tradition.  I see how I can be a part of bringing joy and peace to my family's lives...simply by establishing and maintaining traditions.  Traditions can be large and grandiose gestures but they certainly can also be small ones, done with regularity. 

One new tradition I plan on creating is a simple one but I feel it meets a need...and that will be Thanksgiving Brunch.  I hope I can pull it off well and I hope that in the future it might have value.  It is my wish that others will join us when the Pandemic is over. Another tradition that my son is getting involved with is hunting with his grandfather who is my husband's father.  We call him Papa Jim.  He enjoys tree hunting for deer and fishing when the weather is milder.  Alex is SO EXCITED to go hunting for the first time this year...in just a few short weeks!

Some more important Traditions are also underway at this time but I am not at liberty to disclose any of them.  I will say that the children and I have decided (in addition to Gramma Karla's grave) to lay wreaths for Uncle Buddy and Gramma Karla and Uncle Keith for Christmas.  

Also, as part of the West Warwick Community, we want to also lay a wreath at the Legion for my brother.  We will continue to be a part of those experiences, although painful to go through...in order to keep his Legacy alive.

Spending time with loved ones is another important part of that legacy:  building and maintaining important relationships.  This too is an area where I plan to experience new milestones and new growth in the next few years.

At the end...of a story or of a life...there should be joy.  It should tell you something clearly and distinctly.  It need not be perfect or overwhelmingly special...for it will be unique. 

Your Legacy

will be the

uniqueness of you.

and that will be enough.

~Namaste

Lilac