So much Anger in me right now

 I have so much anger in me right now.  

I cannot breathe...My chest is just tight.  My neck and back are tense and they will not let up.  I feel the urge to hurt myself but I have to have these little talks with myself that this is not the way...not the way we do things.  That these feelings are a part of my dark psychology but that the conscious version of me is much stronger than that.  I cried.  I was so angry that I had to walk away from Annika and from Jamie and go and be alone in my studio.  I actually cried!  I am disgusted with myself for this response.  But I was having a panic attack...I was having an OCD response, rubbing and injury on my finger until it opens up again to bleed.  I had to do something.  So I retreated in solitude and cried.  I returned to them after 30 minutes or so...not feeling very much better, but needing to change my attitude forcefully.  We all three sat and watched a Christmas movie.  We tried to be light about it.  But we are all very angry right now.  Each of us coping in different ways.

I thought sleeping on it would help.  But this morning I awoke and the feelings rushed over me again...the knowing that I will be SEPARATED from my son for the next 5 days because of the decisions made by others.  I awoke before my husband so I made my own coffee.  It sucked.  I make terrible coffee.  Or was it the brand? I don't know but it wasn't right.  I can feel my pulse in my neck.  Am I having a heart attack?  Is another panic attack coming?  I talk to myself as I quietly meditate, warm coffee cup cradled in my palm.  No real harm is done...only the hard cold facts of reality....that what I already knew, is more profound today then it was a few days ago.  I cannot trust people.  I must stand on my own convictions at all times.  I sat there last night wanting to undo what I HAD NOT DONE...I cannot undo it!  It was Annika who, in a rare moment of siding with Jamie, had to school me to do it.  Shame on me.  SHAME ON THOSE OTHERS who did this to me.

No one is dying.  No one is hurt...we hope.  Not yet.  So why am I reacting this way?

I'll answer my own question in ONE WORD.

TRAUMA.

Have you ever had this experience?  If not, you may be confused, but I am not writing to un-confuse anyone else.  I am writing the truth-MY TRUTH.

I have had to disconnect from my family for as long as I can remember.  And it is a cycle that HAS TO STOP.  I am tired of having to walk away and decide how to act and with whom and what to say and to whom.  From now on...you just get it straight, no soft-toeing.  I am tired of catering and adjusting and tip-toeing and all that crap.  

My husband arose from his rest and went out to work on a car.  Annika is at work and Alex is with his dad.  It's just me sitting here stewing.  I cannot even disengage.  I must once again FORCE myself to do something...anything, to get my mind away from the negative thoughts, the self-harming thoughts and the bitter anger I feel.  I remember that I have a photo order at Walgreens, so off I go.  But when I return home, the feelings come back.  Now the feelings are just DREAD.  I sit and sort my pictures.  Each by category.  Why?  I don't know...but they have to be just right.  Now the flowers that decorated our Thanksgiving table have captured my attention.  I feel as though I cannot leave this chair, cannot stop staring at them with wonder at how marvelous and brilliantly beautiful they are...the idea that if I take my eyes off of them for more than a minute, I will not have given them all that their beauty deserves!  To be seen, watched, looked upon with admiration.  I photograph them because they will not always be here...nor will I.  I want to keep them in my mind.  They become a part of the Legacy.

I open all of the windows and turn the heat off...the house needs air.  I will have a lot of time on my hand this week and cleaning the house will keep me busy and keep my mind off of things. But for today, I need to just tell the story and try to let it go.  The only way I can ever seem to achieve this is when I write about it.

Yesterday I woke up early because my dog was sick...by late afternoon, I was SO EXHAUSTED, that I crashed on the couch for an hour. But as I fell asleep, I texted my son who is with his father this weekend.  I missed him as I often do.  And because of Aunt Jean's heart attack this week, I had been on the phone a lot and was distracted when he left to his father's house. I barely said goodbye.  I dozed off on the couch and was awakened by my daughter who just CANNOT be quiet.  She has to have all of my attention the moment she arrives home.  Awake now, I see that Alex has returned the text, stating that he is with his sister Didi.  I am groggy but I feel concerned because didn't I see on Facebook that Didi was with like 5 other families at a friend's house on Thanksgiving?

At dinner, the conversation rolls around again to this issue...this time in a discussion with the remaining three people in my household.  Jamie becomes concerned as Annika shows him pictures of her sister's activities over the past several weeks but especially from Thanksgiving only a few days earlier.  We here at the Carroll Homestead are being very conservative and careful regarding parameters involving safe distancing due to the Covid Pandemic.  In Rhode Island, the Governor mandated that Thanksgiving gatherings were to be with members of your household with whom you live...only.  That was what we had done.  Our neighborhood was silent.  I could look around where I lived and see that people in my community had done what was asked.  Why then, had members of my children's family not done so?  The conversation went on with the three of us because my son was scheduled to do Deer Hunting Friday with his grandfather.  It had been planned for weeks.  Supplies and equipment purchased.  Papa Jim and Gramma Dorrie had a three person Thanksgiving meal...no Covid risk so that Papa Jim, who has survived a heart attack already, could be safe while being with Alex.  Alex, who is always at home with me or visiting with his dad one on one, was set for this event.  Until yesterday, when it all fell apart.

My husband reached out to Papa Jim to discuss what we had realized first...that Alex wasn't merely visiting with his sister, but was at her house with her stepson and her husband ( more exposure!). My husband and Papa Jim were in full agreement that this created a risk factor that needed further action.  For the time being...the hunting would be off.  Alex would need a Covid test.  But here's the kicker people.  The virus would take 4 days to 5 days to present itself in your body...so if he was exposed, we could not see it on a Covid test until earliest Thursday.  Then, research has shown that it is best to get 2 Covid negative results before being sure you are clear.  Since hunting is 5 days away, it had to be canceled.  WEEKS of careful planning, and rearranging schedules for this special event, ruined by one person's choice.  But it gets worse...

My daughter decided to speak to her dad about it so we conferenced with him on her cell phone.  It turned out that he did not know that Didi had put him or Alex at risk, but people have not been open and honest about their activities, there habits, their choices.  Worst of all, these were lies of OMISSION...because my children always spend Thanksgiving with their Dad, and he always takes them to Didi's house.  So a few weeks ago, I reached out via text to start a conversation about what the plans were.  I was told they were barbecuing.  It was vague and it felt like I was not getting all of the details.  It turns out I was right.  But the Governor had mandated family groups, so I just assumed that nothing was being said, because we were all in understanding and being respectful of the guidelines.  I have learned, and will never again assume.  We asked Annika's father if he knew that Didi had spent her Thanksgiving (after eating dinner with him), at the home of a friend, with multiple family groups.  He was shocked, and decided to immediately bring Alex home from Didi's house.  We asked how it was that Alex ended up there and we were told that Didi's husband Joshua had called him to ask if Alex could come over to keep Evan company because Evan was lonely being isolated.  These are all omissions, which lead the children's father to feel that there is no harm in letting Alex go over for leftovers, since he himself was there with them yesterday, right?  He saw that it was just them yesterday right?  Based ONLY on what he could see...this other family household was "following safe practices", right?  It's ok we are not wearing a mask while around them because that is our son, our daughter, our grandchild, right?

WRONG

So the children's father understood and he went to pick Alex up.  He called Didi and told her that it had come to his attention that her behavior on Thanksgiving presented a risk to him and to Alex and that could possibly affect another household too.  She apologized and accepted that he was coming to pick up Alex.  So the children's father pulls up to get Alex and there are multiple cars there.  Alex comes out to the car, and his father asks him who the cars belong to.  Alex tells his father that the "Schillins" are over.  This is a family of 5 that we know from Social Media are NOT taking the Virus seriously, not wearing masks and hosted a HUGE party over the summer that our daughter "accidentally ended up at", resulting in her needing to get Covid Tested so she could go back to work!  Outraged, the children's father called us with Alex when he returned home.  He informed us of this additional situation.  This was the moment that broke me.  This was where I became broken.  It was already obvious to me that someone else was deciding what was acceptable or "safe" for my kid with UTTER disrespect and disregard for the values and concerns of my family under my roof.

My husband informed me that if Alex comes home...after having been exposed to this much, and who knows how much more, we would ALL have to quarantine, and Jamie and Annika would not be able to go to any of their 3 jobs for two weeks....resulting in losses of pay, us all getting Covid tested, etc.  Being that Alex and his father were already exposed, and Alex's father works with the elderly wearing full PPE and is also himself over 60 years old and somewhat ill, we decided (as a family and with two households in full agreement with each other), that Alex would need to quarantine with his father at his father's house and not be allowed to come home until he has had his first negative Covid test.  Because of the incubation period (what?  there's an incubation period?  I didn't know that because I am a stupid, ignorant fucking moron!) of 4-5 days, the two of them will not be able to get correct test results until Thursday at the earliest.

Now maybe you understand why I am devastated?

I am FURIOUS.

I cannot speak.  I cannot forgive, which is way worse...but I will in time.

I am very proud of the children's dad for being on our side in regards to understanding what could happen if we did not take the possibility seriously.

Jamie works at Brown University on the campus full time and part-time at Lowe's.  Annika works in a very crowded bakery near home.  We are EXTREMELY careful...because we have a mortgage to pay while I am out of work looking after Alex's schooling. Brown University makes the Governor's mandates look like a happy day at preschool....they are WAY STRICTER.  Jamie is tested twice a week for Covid in order to work there.  Jamie's job is what gives us the benefits that keep our family healthy and pay the doctors!  Jamie could expose some of the oldest and most brilliant minds in the state, to a disease that could kill them.  Simply put, he would NOT put them in that situation.  He also signed an agreement with Brown saying that he and his family are not engaging in risky behaviors.  To be short, it could cost him his job.  As for Annika, her fear of sickness is a piece of this, but beyond that she sees (daily) the arrogance and dismissive, careless attitudes of people who think only for getting their way, and refusing to follow simple mandates at her workplace in order to be customers there.  She deals with abusive customers everyday, but she tells them what she needs to and she moves on.

Here is the worst part.  Alex will not be in school this week.  His father does not have internet access at his apartment.  Alex will now miss and ENTIRE WEEK of school because of this.  

So let's count it up, shall we?  

1.    Alex and his grandfather miss out on hunting trip which had been a costly process, and one that we have been planning for weeks now.

2.    I am separated from my child for a week because he cannot come home and risk exposing Annika and Jamie

3.    Alex misses a full week of school and socialization because part of his schooling is group meets for socialization.

4.    Alex's Dad is forced to quarantine, may NOT get paid for it...and they both need Covid tests now.

5.    I feel broken because I am tired of the betrayals.

That is all.  Thanks for listening.

Namaste

Lilac