Struggling. Holidays Coming. 2020 edges to a close

As December unfolds and edges us ever closer to our New Year, I reflect on how it has all gone and how it is now.  As I sit here this Monday morning,  that uneasy feeling of lack of completion, settles upon me. I ask myself how I could have done better.  What could I have done differently?  What can I still improve now?  I am getting ready to take the first steps in a variation of the Distance Learning plan.  I feel almost ZERO support from anyone as I support everyone around me.  I am not upset about it...just resolved that I am the one who knows what must be done and I have been given the space and time to achieve it.

Yesterday I hit a hard wall- crying for hours.  Finally my "meds" started to help.  The low dose I use isn't as effective in difficult times like the one I am having, so I had to just take the space needed to calm myself and center and also to ask for the space and help I needed from Jamie and Annika. Annika had a memorial to attend so that was a helpful distraction for a couple of hours.  We returned home and Jamie had hung Blue Icicle Lights along the roof frame of our house in the front.  I have never seen lights on our house before.

Annika and I smiled when we saw the lights.  The front of the house looked festive and pretty.  When we got into the house, Jamie had cleared a spot for the Christmas tree.  We moved his desk into the dining room, and all of my office items went downstairs to my Studio...which ironically only looks sweeter and more homey than it did before!  We decided that it was time to go find our perfect tree.  Alex was not with us, and so I was dragging my feet...but after seeing the icicle lights, I was a little happier.  And since Annika had just had a good experience with her schoolmates, it felt like the right time.

We went to a tree seller nearby and Ani recommended that I involve Alex.  We video called him and altogether we picked the best tree on the lot!  Even the tree seller said it was his last really good tree....a Frazier.  The whole process was the fastest we have ever bought our tree.  In less than an hour, it was home and up in the living room with a fresh cut.  After dinner, we strung lights and decided that was enough for today.

The best part of the evening was the spontaneous driving through our neighborhood to look at lights.  It was adorable to me how Annika and Jamie both marveled at the unique yard displays we saw.  They both have the same artist eye...enjoying colors, designs etc.  I just enjoyed being with them.  It was truly eye-opening to me to see how something of a simple activity (driving around town with your new Christmas tree atop your vehicle in order to see the Christmas lights in your neighborhood), could be so joyful.

I had evolved in the course of a few hours from the pits of despair and sorrow to a feeling of peace and joy.

Such is depression.

During the lower point I was experiencing, I did a bit of research on it...I wanted to know if there were different degrees of depression and how you pass from one to another.  I did not find that data, but instead just different "types" of depression.  Clearly mine is chronic (recurring).  I didn't learn much that I had not already known, but perhaps I will research more in time.  I did however, realize that despite any opinions I may have on the subject personally- knowing that the depressed mind will cause you to think things are way worse than they are-there was always something to be happy about.

Letting Go (of control) is the only way forward.

This is the way.

~Namaste

Lilac

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