More than ever, self-care is needed

 This week has been like a beautiful gift, so much to be thankful for and to appreciate!  Inwardly, it has been a struggle since receiving the email from work last Tuesday.  I have not spent a lot of time dwelling upon it...it was not as though I did not realize that a choice needed to be made.  The problem is that I feel SO ALONE in making it...I feel abandoned and lost as I try to decide what to do next.

Some people might think that "taking a Leave of Absence" from your work is like walking outside and then back inside the house again.  It's not like that.  You LEFT your world behind...you WALKED AWAY from it.  There ARE going to be hard feelings and there will be ramifications.  I know it from personal experience, I know it because I am deeply intuitive.  I can literally HEAR what others are saying at my job. I know it might sound weird to some of you, but it just is what it is on my end.  I know what is happening.

When I walked away from my job back in early October, I did so without the blessing of my boss (the property manager).  I was within my right to take the opportunity because it was needed for my son's sake.  And I am ashamed to say that it took me a long time to finally do it out of my own selfish ego drive as a professional.  I was building something.  I was busy.  Work is an all-consuming piece of what drives me.  I am an achiever, a successful person, a provider.  At 46 years old, the LAST place I wanted to find myself was "on a leave of absence" from my career to handle stuff at home with a kid.  No offense is intended here...my blog, I am allowed to be blunt.

I love my kids.  I love them TOO much because I would lose MYSELF, my life...everything...to see them thrive, healthy, well, successful...and it's not just lip service, because here I am doing it.  But how does one go "back"?  My son's issues have not changed, will not change...Schools are actually ALL DISTANCE now in Warwick starting in 2 days from now.  WHY?  Well...here's why:  Rhode Island has now become the country's top issue with regards to Covid-19.  Per Capita, we are high in numbers of Covid positive, and Covid deaths.

So what "Writing on the wall" am I reading?

I think I should work.  However, with Covid causing the schools, daycare facilities, and other activities to be halted with concern to where the children are in the daytime, it is not a good situation for my kids. Leaving my youngster alone all day to his own devices (literally), would continue to fail him.  But not earning money to support the expenses of my family would also be wrong.  So I know I must work, but I need a job that can bend and flex WITH me and not just push back against me.

I am writing about these things because I know that I am not the only one out there dealing with this.

I feel there is NO SUPPORT from outside government agency or within organizations or even really here within my family.  None.  I feel zero support as I support others. I have felt love and support at times...but when I say I am not being supported, I am describing it from inside this house:  Jamie and Annika and even Alex at times.  I mean my family:  the ones who are just absent or add extra stress to everything.  There are those who love me and make my day better just by being around.  I can count them on one hand, and I hope they know who they are...but what I mean is when I talk about my fears and concerns or what I need...I get zero feedback that is helpful.  I don't need more questions, just more solutions.

BIG shout out to my girlfriends who reach out and encourage me to read, practice better self-care and to just engage me in conversation (or try)...I am stubborn.  But I need to shift out of this place of feeling frozen in time/stagnant.  Regardless of Covid 19 and the impact around me, I NEED TO CHANGE.  I actually really enjoy tutoring and coaching my son.  I think I am EXCELLENT at dealing with the difficulties that a child has- overcoming obstacles and seeing them find their way to achievement and changed behavior. In fact, I KNOW I am good at.

Annika pulled some Oracle cards for me the other day and the same ones kept coming up.  Some of the themes involved self-employment and empowerment, dreaming and sleeping.  It seems to me that for now, I have to let go of the past.  I am not that person anymore.  I have to create a new vision, dream a new dream, follow a new path, set forth in a different direction, capture a moment, believe in myself...basically reinvent AngelMarie as the person I should have been all along.

For a while, I took a chance and went toward something I had become passionate about- Travel.  I worked for about a year as a Travel Agent for Liberty Travel.  The job did not actually encompass any of what I enjoyed about travel.  The work setting was all sales.  None of these were a good fit for me.  I ended up back in Property Management- a field I had left for good reasons back in the early 2000's.  I have a habit of just being really good at stuff and people like me. I have had a lot of success in this field because of that.  But I truly HATE the corporate mentality, the climbing the ladder attitude, the cutthroat, throw-others under the bus, who is better than who approach to everything!  It is not a job for those who want to be of service to others. Being good at something is NOT a calling...knowing what makes you feel whole and pursuing a life that allows more and more of that however...THAT is what I am seeking.

For a w while I pursued another love of mine, working with kids.  I ran a successful, small preschool.  I LOVED it.  But it was connected to my home and when I could not manage to keep the family situation strong, it had to dissolve too. I liken this to building your house on sand...when the sand has held all it can, it washed away.

I am ready for something built on concrete now.

I think Sarah is right.  She was the one who most confidently said that if I had to look at unemployment as an option in order to be there for my kid, then so be it.  I mean I knew that was a possibility all along, but I am afraid that there will be a lapse in income and that I will struggle (we will struggle).  And you know what?  We MIGHT!  And you know what?

SO   BE  IT

Maybe everything doesn't make sense.

Maybe everything doesn't have to.

Those last tow lines are quotes from the movie "Dr. Strange".

Some of you will catch on to it and others may need longer. I recently rewatched that movie for like the 10th time.  During this rewatching, I was exhausted and so I fell asleep an awoke to the scene where Dr. Strange has assumed his role as Sorcerer Supreme.  When I fell asleep, he was still struggling to understand why everything that he had built for himself had been taken away, lost, broken and destroyed leaving him heart sick.  He WANTED his old life back...the familiar.  What he had built for himself.

But the truth was...

He could have it back if he wanted.  And the world would be all the lesser for it.

~Namaste

Lilac


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