Alex's Quarantine Update

Hi everyone!  

Snow in RI/CT/MA today- at least 9 inches and still falling.  What a time!  I am sure I will take pictures later, but for now it has no ambiance out there aside from feeling like you are trapped inside of a snow-globe that was just shaken and has not yet settled. I awoke to sounds of plows passing down the large boulevard where I live.  Then my husband in the early morning hours going out to use the snowblower to clear our driveway and our neighbor's driveway.

One of Alex's teacher's had emailed about a test today.  They were kind enough to allow him to complete the test next week on 12/23 which is when he will once again be reunited with us and with his home and with his chromebook!  So today is 12/17/20 and he can come home at last on 12/22/2020.  That is Tuesday of next week.  Today is Thursday.  It has been extremely difficult to accomplish his schooling items during the quarantine.

As previously mentioned, there is no internet access at his father's house.  Due to the Covid-positive test, no local internet service would be allowed to come in to install internet.  Believe me...we tried.  Then we tried to create an internet hotspot but the technology they have at Dad's house was either paid for by his dad's employer (work cell phone) or prepaid (WalMart pay-as-you-go) cell phone.  Long story short...there was no pre-planning for the possibility of such an event.

I am going to vent a little here...so be advised.

Jamie and I have made every single decision from the moment we got together as a couple until now with one thing in mind:  what is the best way to take care of these kids and this family under any circumstances?

Unfortunately, other "family members" do not operate under the same value system and thus here we are.

My hope is that in the future, there will be greater effort, better communication and a team effort with regards to all of these things.  Truthfully, I have never felt better about my relationship with my kids' father!  He will NEVER be different from how he is...he will continue to make decisions and choices that I will disapprove of, and he will never step-up in ways that he ought to...but our hope should always be that our exes can open up to what is BEST for the child.

This week I became resolved that we were really not getting very much done with Alex's school...mainly because I cannot work with Alex without his father budding in, no matter how hard I try.  I end up trying to redirect his FATHER rather than the child.  It was utterly a waste of time.  I became more engaged in what Alex needed emotionally in the aspect of support.  His school...barely understanding how the quarantine was affecting us and their workload...will never fully understand.  That is where I need to be the strongest advocate imaginable.

In the midst of this, I had to decide if I would return to work on 12/28.  If not, I was to give my two-weeks notice.  I told my employer they would need to wait because I was not ready to decide.  I knew I could not keep them waiting forever.  I made a decision finally and told them yesterday in an email.  What I was doing to try to make that decision was meditating, speaking to Jamie and looking for part-time work that I could do 2nd shift or weekends.  I have not received any call-backs on any of those jobs unless it was a rejection.  There are so many people out of work right now in RI, that I am sure these "low skill" jobs are receiving a LOT of applicants.  Sometimes you need the personal connection to open the door.  Hopefully I find one.

But I had to decide.

I have faith that I will find a better place to work.  I have put my feelers out there to some great opportunities in order to open a new path for my work in the future.  I feel now is a good time to do that since we are all upside down due to Covid.  It's much easier to validate the need for change when Covid has knocked you off your horse rather than "I just feel like changing".  These past two months have made a huge difference in my feeling about the matter.

When I look back, I cannot believe I was clinging so hard to such a horrible workplace!  My boss was ABUSIVE and unqualified to do her job and I was her assistant!  What is wrong with me?  I actually woke up yesterday morning and realized that stepping down to the role of an assistant property manager was the WORST decision ever and that I should never lower myself to that again.  I know why I did it.  I was overwhelmed because I had so much responsibility on my shoulders all the time and my struggle to manage Depression and Chronic Fatigue coupled with the family and home and then that job...it was just a lot.

But when Alex needed me...I had to be truly selfless and put his needs above my ego and my wants.  I learned some amazing lessons in the process.  I became an eagle eye observer of my whole family at all times.  It's easy to see why "stay-at-home" parents eventually feel forgotten and overlooked.  Working outside of home and family gives us a feeling of purpose like nothing else can.  Taking care of the family business is the hardest job...no one actually wants this job.  Usually someone just steps up and handles it.  It is a thankless job.

The deeper I get into the role, the more I take on the role of housewife, mom and home manager...and that CAN be a full time job if you let it.  But before I was home...how did it get done?  

Also, how should it get done?

What should the contributions of each household member be?

What should the proper expectations of each person in the house look like?

Are we properly dividing the responsibilities and the workload or is it falling to any one person more than the others, and is it fair?

Is it fair?

Is it fair?

My son is 12.  My daughter is 19.  There are 3 working adults in this house.  Jamie works a full time job and a part-time job and handles all of the lawn and yard work and all repairs on cars and on the house.  That is A LOT.  Also of course, he bears the weight of financial support for the house too.  Even with ALL that Jamie does, paying for a house like this is a two adult endeavor.  My full time income is needed.  Ok, well that is a flexible idea...can I manage on a part-time work income?  The truth is I doubt it.  I don't want to struggle.  I want to travel!  I want to save money.  I don't want to live "paycheck to paycheck" worried how we will make ends meet.

My daughter chose to drop out of college.  We still pay for almost everything for her.  She works 20 hours a week at a bakery.  We drive her to and from work because she is not independent.  We provide food, electricity, a room, heat and hot water, internet.  She pays nothing.  She does nothing around the house unless prompted to help even though I have assigned chores to each kid for YEARS NOW...she just does not do it unless prompted.  I am delighted to hear from her work about how great she is there.  I love when people say she was a great house guest, very courteous.  But at home with us...it's a different person.

I have been standing from the outer corner and watching everything.

What I have learned is that everyone in my household needs to learn to carry their weight.

Alex needs to step up and take personal interest and responsibility for his schoolwork.

Annika needs to face adult responsibilities since she has opted out of college.

Jamie is free to do the things he wants to do because he does accept his responsibilities and much more than that.

Then there is me.  I need to stop taking care of everyone and teach them to take care of themselves.

It took me many years to learn how to take care of myself too.  I mean, I was taking care of my siblings from childhood on...and then my own kids. Then I was helping my husband to settle into a great work opportunity that will actually stabilize us for the future at Brown University.  I made sacrifices to see that happen...and now it's ok for me to reinvent myself.

(Cracks knuckles)

Where to begin?

~Namaste

Lilac