Where did 3 weeks go? It's MONDAY again.

Today is going to be a GREAT day.  Even though it is Monday...and even though it is cold here..

Monday Fun-day, started out with a big breakfast and a lot of chores.  We are not showing our face today- "MOM!"

Nearby on the Living Room Coffee Table there is a stack of books wanting our attention.  

"Read me", they call out...

Alex has decided to work from the floor for a while on his Computer Aided Drafting assignments.  From this spot on the floor he can easily toss the catnip ball to the cats and watch them race around nearby.

Tuesday- ELECTION DAY

Yesterday Annika casted her first vote as an adult.  Yesterday was extremely stressful as we live on in a time of political discomfort and unrest.  We are clearly a country divided in our values and beliefs.

The day seemed to drag on, emphasizing these world-conflicts.  We had a little dinner and it was still early.  Annika spent the evening sorting out decent Headshot/Comp photos for Model Club.  Jamie gave the dog a bath and blow-out.  Alex and I played 5 rounds of Yahtzee,  The boy CLOBBERED me.

HUMP DAAAAAAAY  November 4, 2020

So today I am finally back at the computer.  The last two days were rather hectic- more doing than writing.

I have decided that Kohl's is not for me so I have commenced the search for a better way to earn a part-time income.  In the meantime, we are making do on the means we already have and we are doing just fine.

This morning we had a very bumpy start to the school day.  Alex was extremely rude and aggressive, doing everything in his ability to NOT take his Meds, NOT get into class on time etc.  He lost his gaming and internet privileges for the rest of today.  It's unfortunate but I cannot let the behavior slide.  I mean, what would happen in school if this was the teacher and not Mom?  Also, these are the kinds of spontaneous events that I often contend with as I am attempting to get out the door to work and then I become extremely frazzled.  Then at work, my head is not in the game either.  It is a cycle that I have only just started to fully recognize and to analyze the toll it is taking on me emotionally given my own mental health issues.

When I become irritated, it causes my Depression to spiral- even with my meds.  The first sign of it getting out of control is when the OCD patterns intensify.  For example, My scalp and my back have sores because I pick and pick and pick until I bleed.  I know that sounds gross but it is an anxiety response and yes it is very painful.

Excoriation disorder (also referred to as chronic skin-picking or dermatillomania) is a mental illness related to obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is characterized by repeated picking at one’s own skin which results in skin lesions and causes significant disruption in one’s life. 

Individuals may pick at healthy skin, minor skin irregularities (e.g., pimples or calluses), lesions, or scabs. This disorder is usually chronic, with periods of remission alternating with periods of greater symptom intensity. If untreated, skin-picking behaviors may come and go for weeks, months, or years at a time. It is common for individuals with this disorder to spend significant amounts of time, sometimes even several hours a day, on their picking behavior.

Skin picking is a body-focused repetitive behavior (BFRB) that typically begins during adolescence, commonly coinciding with, or following the onset of, puberty around ages 13-15, but may also occur among children (under 10 years old), or adults (between the ages of 30 and 45). [1] Excoriation disorder affects approximately 1.4% of American adults, and is experienced by women more often than men. [2]

The above entry is a bit of information about the issue.  For me, this type of OCD response started when my Father became Terminally ill.  At first, I would over-exercise and not eat.  Then the Skin-picking started.  It was just my scalp for a very long time but then when those scabs didn't give me enough to work with, I moved to my back.  It is very hard to stop.  Another OCD response I experience occasionally is not being able/comfortable to make a left-hand turn.  I will deliberately take a route that will allow me to turn right.  I will plot it out which takes time to do or analysis while driving.  Because of this, I become more agitated than ever while driving with my daughter who talks constantly.  Her chatter makes it difficult for my mental process to alleviate the OCD urges.  Then, when she feels I am not listening actively, she becomes angry with me and aggressive.  This makes my condition even worse.  I begin to dread having to drive with her, commute her, get into any conversation where we may not see eye to eye...the same goes for Alex.  If I feel there will be conflict, I get anxious ahead of time and I start the OCD cycle again.

My husband does not in any way trigger my OCD or depression anymore.  We have found a nice rhythm in our marriage.  For that I am grateful.  

It concerns me when I feel out of control like that because I never can be sure how far it will go.  A year and a half ago I had a complete nervous breakdown and spent 3 weeks at Rhode Island Hospital being treated for Depression, PTSD and OCD.  Ever since then, I strive to make my health and mental wellness my first priority.  There are Mental Health issues in my household that affect all four people who live here.  It has taken me YEARS to understand the balance required to maintain it all.  Taking time for my family and being away from work has shown me just how much I have been carrying...and just how long.  It has demonstrated to me that I need to re-evaluate for my health and make my health a TOP priority above almost anything else.

Jamie and I have worked very hard to get where we are- buying a house, stabilizing a family- caring for animals- balancing multiple jobs and financial requirements.  We have had some help along the way but most of the work was done by just he and I and our absolute determination to rise above the problems and crisis' that we had allowed as obstacles in our path for so long.  This is why I am SO determined not to let Alex travel down a path like that.  He NEEDS to learn to take responsibility for very action, every choice that he makes.  We cannot always guarantee the outcome will be what we wish for it to be- but as a lifestyle, I want my son to feel empowered to steer his life and the course of it, as he wishes it to go.

About 5 years ago while attending a workshop at the Glenn Ambrose Enrichment Center, our feature host was an amazing man who works with horses for a living.  At that workshop we did an exercise that changed my life and the course of my life.  At the end of the exercise, we had chosen the one thing that we truly desired.  What I came up with was one word:

HOMESTEAD

I have created it.  We...meaning my family...we have created it.  We continue to create it each day.  It is alive...ongoing...ever-changing.  It is number one for all of us.  The value of the Homestead is different to each of us individually.  To my children, it is the place for them to live and sleep and work and play now...and will be here for them in the future.  For my husband and I, it is a work in progress that we enjoy dedicating our time and skills to creating together.

So many people have asked me what a Homestead is.  I never just wanted a house.  I didn't care if it was a house, a condo, an apartment...I just wanted to build a sanctuary/an oasis.  I wanted it to be NOT just a place to come and go "from and to"...but a place of peace, tranquility and function.  Traditionally, a Homestead is self-sustaining.  That can be anything from partial to completely sustaining.  Ours is a work in progress.  We have done a lot in one year here and we will accomplish more as time goes by.  As I stated earlier, it is alive and ever-changing.

The most important piece of the Homestead is the LOVE and "CONNECTEDNESS" that evolves from the healthiness of the place.  So far, we have had parties and gatherings- even careful ones during Covid.  We have become friends with our neighbors.  We help them and they help us.  We have become more connected to our community and supportive to our local government.  We work, shop and play here in our community.  We purchased our pumpkins from the local church.  We help the neighbors with their yard work.  We are finally starting to get more involved with the school.  Like I said, progress.  Annika works in the community just down the street at a bakery.  It is hard work, but they really recognize her drive and her enthusiasm.  They gave her a raise after only 3 months.  Alex and I like to bike around Conimicut and Annika walks alot here.

Planting season is OVER!  It ended so fast here.  One minute it was 60* and the next- everything was frozen and it snowed for 2 days straight.  So now, I will focus on continuing my downsizing projects and organizing for greater efficiency.  It occurred to Jamie and I yesterday as I was trying to figure out how to fit a Christmas Tree into our tiny Living room...that last Christmas we had literally NO FURNITURE in the living room whatsoever.  We only had the tree and some lawn chairs.  That memory shocked me!  This is our second Thanksgiving and Christmas here.

I just heard word that our incumbent Mayor for Warwick is OUT and Frank Picozzi is in. This means that Warwick Residents will be allowed to have chickens! We are so happy!  This is a good place to end today.  One small victory...hopefully more to come.

~Namaste

Lilac