In other News: School. Week 3, Day 4

 Good morning Blog-Readers!  Thanks for showing up.  I REALLY dig it.  I already wrote about the election today- there will be two entries today because the Election is just too significant to have ignored.  But also, this journal is about  kid, his schooling and it's impact on me.  I am reflecting on my conversation with my husband this morning as he was getting ready to leave for work.  We try to keep the conversations light at that time of the morning since neither or us is particularly awake...

We did not discuss the votes or the election.  We DID talk about whether or not it would be safe to attend Ray's wake.  Then I showed Jamie Alex's school updates from yesterday.  He is making good progress.  I explained to my husband that this "good" progress report comes at a price. Yes, Alex got his assignments in on time yesterday, but it was with A LOT of kicking and screaming and abuse towards me and towards himself .  My husband nodded knowingly.  I don't really even have to tell him what happened because Jamie has seen it so many times before, he already knows.  With NO obvious prompting, Alex will become enraged, aggressive and tempermental.  He will throw a fit:  Crying, yelling and throwing objects.  He punches things and just whips up a maelstrom of anger and sadness.  Sometimes, there is no apparent reason why.

What I described above happened once in the morning and once in the afternoon yesterday.  So 2 meltdowns yesterday.

This morning, my son was a delight.  He woke up sweetly, smiling at his "momma".  He came to the table and ate his food, took his meds with minimal delay and NO fighting.  He found his way to his classes without me nagging.  He stayed seated and attentive.  He spoke in nice gentle tones to me and to the animals.  He even smiled.

There are  two sides to this child and I never know who has come to the table.

My husband summed it up rather well.  "While it is wonderful news that he is completing the work and going to classes, what will happen when one of us is not shadowing him?".  I nod forcefully in agreement with his remarks.  He has verbalized my exact concerns.  

What will become of this boy?

Ok, so I admit that I am not OVERLY worried about it.  I feel this way about it.  I think this is a difficult time for Alex in learning to cope with his issues.  I believe that he can gain enough mastery over them to be independent in school and soon (maybe in a year).  just not VERY soon...which is what creates the concerns.  Those concerns center around when I can get back to focusing on my own career and earning potential. The truth is, I really enjoy being home with the children.  I had always assumed that once my children were "school-aged" meaning like first grade...that I was free to have a life outside of my home.  I spent the better part of 8 years mostly at home with the children while they were young.  When I separated from their father, Alex was 3 1/2 and I enrolled him in preschool and went to work full time.  

Some of you may know that I went to college to study Musical Performance and Sociology.  I would never have enjoyed being a music teacher, so I took that off the table early on.  Then came an opportunity to travel and do music.  I took a pass on that one too primarily because I was 24/25 years old and I really wanted a family.  I found job training and instead entered the field of Property Management (Elderly Housing/HUD).  I enjoy working with this demographic and have made many wonderful friends over the years.  The Industry however...that is another story entirely.  It is very tough and can be extremely unpleasant when working for an organization that wants to squeeze you until you have nothing left to give and then discard you as though you never did anything for them.  This has happened to me too many times to count.  

My happiest years were the ones I spent at home, providing childcare and watching my children grow alongside our dear friends and their families.  

As they say about all good things though...it had to end when the universe showed me that I was not living my best life but rather a very limited one.  I am far better off for having taken the difficult steps then and being where we are now.  Recently- during my first week home with Alex, following a counseling session of his with his therapist Chris, Alex and I had a profound conversation.  My son had a lot of questions about what kind of person I was...meaning like "back then" and now.  He has decided, since that conversation that I used to make bad choices but I have changed and now I make good choices.  Ouch...but ok cool bro.  I can dig it since you are like 12 and you make me crazy every ten seconds of the day...I made bad choices before I knew how to make good choices.  I didn't have an attentive mom or dad.  But I can BE one.

Now that I find myself being here to support the kids in their older years, I find I am in territory that I have no actual idea how to navigate what-so-ever.  How is it possible that the older version of my kids needs me MORE than the younger version of my kids ever did?  Where is the manual for this?  My 18 year old daughter is MORE NEEDY NOW than she ever was at 5 years old.  She needs advice, needs me to listen, needs me to give her rides to work and to the bank and to run all of her adult errands.  She is absolutely NOT independent in any way.  I feel like this is a cry for help (my cry, not hers).

Mark the time...9:30am and Alex is arguing with me about whether or not he needs his eyeglasses.

I knew it could not last...the peace that is.

Anyway, I do want to work.  I dream about it.  Last night I was dreaming that Annika and I both worked at a Property Management Company and she was assigned to conduct Inspections but didn't know how to do them so I was basically trying to do the work and drag her along as she found delay after delay and then I jammed a copy machine.  This is not the only dream I have had about being at work.  It has made me wonder about my priorities in life in general.  I do not want to live to work.  It's not that I don't like working.  I DO like working. I believe that I have proven that repeatedly by always working consistently since age 15.  There has never been a period of time that I did not work in some capacity.  

I will be needed here to proctor remote learning for the foreseeable future.  Ok, let me start by saying that I CANNOT believe that is how you spell FORESEEABLE.  But whatever...I am over it now.  My FFRA will allow my company to hold my job for up to 12 weeks which will bring me into the first week of January 2021.  But Warwick Schools has not given us any indication that they may be open in January.  So I have to just stay focused on the here and now.  

This is especially difficult for me and gives me intense anxiety.

A coworker said to me, "You should not have to give up your career for your kids".  What she literally went on to say was that I am 46 years old and I have built my career and my professional image and a move like this will be a huge setback and at my age...well that can be deadly to a career.  The day I left work to start my leave, I had to flush those words from my memory bank...just more of the corporate poison I had been ingesting these past few months...years really.  Earlier in October I had interviewed for a job that I was genuinely excited about because it might offer me the opportunity to transition from Management to Human Services but using all of my existing experience.  I had two seemingly wonderful interviews.  My references called me to say they had been contacted.  Then...nothing.  I heard nothing from this organization.  I even reached out by email to once again express my excitement about the position.  I waited.  Nothing.  I was literally sitting at the precipice of "Do I take a leave of absence to support my son's education or do I take a new position with a more family-friendly non-profit organization".  And they didn't even have the courtesy to call me!

Corporations don't care about people.

After hearing nothing from that place, I was disappointed but decided to put it behind me and keep moving forward because what else can you do anyway?  Alex continued to fail at school and my workplace continued to become more toxic and abusive with each passing day.  On the Friday afternoon that I left, I decided that I was most likely never going back.  So that afternoon I applied for a part-time job at a Retail store nearby (Kohls).  Kohls would later show me MORE of the reason that Corporations do not care about you.  So that job lasted exactly 2 4-hour shifts.  And now...I am back to where I was:  At home and in limbo.  I know MANY other people are in similar or worse circumstances than this.  My husband and I are managing financially just fine and my family now has a level of support that they were previously lacking because now I am here to manage everything at home and keep it flowing in the right direction!  

I don't want to go back.

It has only been 3 weeks, but in these 3 weeks a lot has changed in me.  A lot has changed for Alex too...but I cannot tell you from his perspective what it is until I ask him.  That can be the topic for another blog entry.  But for me, I feel like these past weeks have changed me as a person on a deep level.  The quietness and peace that comes from managing my home and family and our business and our affairs, be they money or transportation or meals- these have become a part of me that I value and feel is desperately necessary.  I find myself struggling to define it and give it a definition.  But if I have learned any ONE thing in this past year of Covid-19 (2020), it is that I do not need to justify my position on anything anymore to anyone.  If it fits my ideals of living without harming anyone else, than it is perfectly acceptable.  It is perfectly acceptable for me to LOVE myself and do what I feel is best for me and my family.  But what is that exactly?  I am attempting to figure that out as we speak.  Defining it will be hard but I am only just starting.  I will have to keep you posted as I learn more.

Find your happiness,  that is my new motto.

~Namaste

Lilac