Breakthrough- Day 4

Not feeling very cute today...but feeling internally satisfied.  That counts for something, doesn't it?

Last night, the entire family...and I do mean all 4 of us...literally went to Alex's Counseling appointment.  I am not sure exactly why it happened that way but it felt like somehow we were just all there to be supportive and cheer him on- even from the Waiting Room.  Alex has a really perfect therapist for him...we searched and agonized and suffered and struggled before we finally found Chris!  Chris is a young male who specializes in adolescent issues.  He has really been a great resource to us.

So last night, Jamie and I sat with Chris and basically just brought him up to speed about what has transpired since his last conversation with us which was a very difficult one and about a week earlier.  During that conversation, the potential that Alex might need in-patient psychiatric attention if we could not get him on track, was posed as a potentiality.  It was the suggestion I had been dreading but not surprised to hear.  From that point, we had a discussion with Alex that overlaid an already existing conversation that we had recently had with the school that outlined next steps if he did not get on track.

Everyday last week I went to my job with a pit in my stomach and a feeling of dread that I could not think past to focus at work.  Everyday it seemed there were more complaints from my boss about my work performance and my lack of attention to details and the like.  Personally I felt that she was being very hard on me, but I am the type of professional who really doesn't take things personally...so on a professional level, I had to recognize that I am distracted to the point where I make frequent careless (although correctable and not catastrophic mistakes).  However, I have a person in my daily work life who is all too eager to bring these mistakes to my attention several times each day...which was just becoming overwhelming for me.

When I first discovered the Families First Relief Act through my HR department, the HR Rep asked me why I had not been told about it at the local office level.  She asked me to search the office to find the information if it was posted.  I found it posted behind a door that is always open- hence, not in daily view.  I was never given an orientation of my office or the property when I first started, so I had no idea it was there.

I was hesitant back in August to discuss my needs with the Property Manager whose Assistant I am.  I did however, get all of the information from HR and after mulling it over for a few weeks, I brought it to the Property Manager.  She definitely made me feel that by initiating the use of the FFRA for a Leave of Absence, I would most likely lose my job.  At the time, that slight bit of intimidation was enough to cause me to be afraid of such an outcome...plus she had also stated that she could not function with no assistant here and required a Full Time Assistant when I told her that I asked Corporate about a part-time schedule.  I guess the truth I did not want to hear at the time was that if I do this, the Corporate Office will have to retain me as an employee, but my boss would push to have me replaced at my location.

No pressure though

Why are corporations so heartless and cutthroat?

It wasn't until we hit the absolute tipping point and we were at the cusp of complete system failure, that I entertained the actual opportunity in front of me to be at home with my kid and take a lead role on his education.

Part of me had thought of successful people who otherwise may have slipped through the cracks throughout history.  I mean, my kid mostly has behavioral and impulse control issues.  Otherwise he is actually very intelligent and scores quite high when tested.  Who was I to decide that my career is more important then his future?

The day it all happened was last Friday around noon when I got word from the school that once again my kid was absent from all of his classes!  I sent a simple slightly desperate email to my husband...the content of the email I only partly meant.  The other part was more of a plea that someone besides me please fall on this sword?  PLEASE?

But the reply I received back from him was quick and certain...yes, it's time to reach out to your HR.  I did and before the end of that day, I had scheduled to start my Leave the following Monday.  I was literally AFRAID to tell my boss, so I decided to say NOTHING about it and let HR tell her.  Maybe I am a coward, but in the past I have had to cut ties with situations that didn't serve me and I have found that there are some people that you will never SWAY to see your side....they will only see theirs.  It was for the best.

When Monday rolled around, I felt nervous until we were midway through the morning and I was seeing just HOW much had to be done and HOW much I personally could contribute to this boy's success.  All of those fears dissipated instantly from that point.  Whatever may come, I welcome it.  I am free...I feel like my true authentic self.  So the breakthrough-

Last night Jamie and I updated Chris, and then Alex went to session.  Then we all four drove home.  Jamie told some loooong story about Bananas in Costa Rica and before you know it that hour drive just FLEW BY!

At home we ate a late dinner and while I was putting Alex to bed that night, we got to chatting...a real heart to heart.  He wanted to talk about family and our particular family.  He had questions about my time with his dad and why I married Jamie...how long had I known Jamie.  Why did I get remarried, etc.  He shared some memories that he had of times we were all dealing with immense stress together as we transitioned after divorce and then into our own home and then into my marriage to Jamie and then into life with that "new" family...and then to our new house.  Alex especially remembered the feelings of not having his own bedroom and then having his own bedroom.  He seemed to have MANY more questions...but for time-sake, we decided to get some rest.  

But before we did...Alex did share some profound information.

Alex told me that he had always felt from the first time he went away to school, that he was being selfish for going away and leaving me when I needed him.  He remembered being 3 years old, 4 years old, 5 years old...seeing me upset and sad and seeing my very difficult bouts of depression.  He remembered it very well with a lot of detail.  He assessed that since I always took good care of him, that his role must also be to care for me.  He literally felt GUILTY for going to school, making friends or having a life away from me.

I believed him.

This explained a lot.

He went on to tell me that now that I am taking this time to show him the importance of HIS Schooling, HIS education, HIS friendships, HIS feelings,  HIS mental health...he is starting to believe that it's ok to focus on himself and he is starting to take these tasks more seriously.

I may have thought it was a lot of manipulation or horseshit...but...on Thursday as we started Day 4, things were a little different already.

It was not as hard to motivate him.  He was sluggish but not obstinate.  He told ME that he knew it was time to go to "such and such" class....and then he told me he was entering the class.  This is a switch from me giving the "time to switch classes" speech".

So this is big.  Right?  I think this is big.

I cannot say enough about the help of supportive school personnel and therapists.

Jamie reached out to David (Alex's dad)...and then David also got more involved, calling everyday to see if Alex is participating and doing his work.  The other day, we realized that David had followed the info I sent him to sign up for alerts about Alex's attendance.  When Alex was marked as "A " for a class that he apparently ditched out of early while I was on a phone call, his father called immediately to find out why.  Jamie was surprised and pleased as was Alex's therapist.

So right now...we are feeling pretty "in the flow" about this experience.

Hard

but

 not

 impossible.

~Namaste

Lilac